Patterns.  They are all around us.  There are patterns in fabric, traffic, weather and our lives.  I never really thought about patterns much until recently.

There is a saying that goes…don’t let the pattern repeat itself.  But isn’t that the purpose of patterns?  If it didn’t repeat itself, it would just be an ink blot or thread with no purpose.  I wondered if I could sum my personality up into a pattern, what would that be?  Am I tightly wound like a basket weave pattern, making sure everything in my life is symmetrical and neutral?  Basket weaves can warm a room, but with its most common use of neutral tones it can also blend into other patterns that surround it.  And without intention, can function to blend or compliment other more overbearing plaids or animal prints.  The basket weave pattern is so complex that the tiniest of variation or unique flaw in the stitching can create a noticeable blemish and redefine the purpose of the pattern itself.  Basket weaves must be perfect and blemish free in order to maintain its function.  A basket weave pattern needs to fight to stand on its own since, by design, it is meant to act as a neutral accent to compliment its surroundings and make a room work together.

I think I am more of a polka-dot person.  The polka-dot pattern is fun and a little bold but still has a sense of order.  I think I have always been a polka-dot pattern, but sometimes I have had more leopard prints surround me where being a basket weave makes more sense.  It is easier.   Definitely the safer option to blend in and complement my surroundings so I can tie the bolder, more dominant patterns and colors around me together and not disrupt the purpose of the plaid or flame stitch design.

Patterns… what a tricky little mistress.  Now that I’m in my fifties and have fallen, stumbled and rolled around in the dirt on a rainy day to emerge muddy and triumphant, I’ve recently been reminded of how easy it is to have a situation happen that repurposes my fabric into a beige basket weave. 

Patterns, in my opinion, are meant to repeat themselves.  The strength of the thread and integrity of the fabric is what binds us.  If someone wants to make my color beige, they need to remember that my fabric was originally made with vibrant yellow, like the sun at high noon and a red so bright and deep that candied apples want to be me.

So why am I talking about basket weaves, plaids and polka-dots?  It is a reminder that no matter which pattern we identify with, there are other patterns, intentionally – or not, that try to re-purpose our fabric into something else.  They may try to stretch and dye the cloth.  Even if they are successful, our true pattern will always bleed through and remain apart of our original design. Never to be duplicated.  All patterns can work together, but if other patterns are overpowering and unwilling to allow your vibrancy to stand on its own, remember, you can always have a garage sale and get rid of that leopard pillow or throw rug.  Being true to yourself should not have to be a daily battle.  Remember that we have worked hard to get where we are.  Do not let yourself get lost in the leopards and confusing zig zag patterns of life.  Stand stall, be bold and be confident!

During the historic time of COVID19 as we all are forced to take a moment to pause, reflect and reset I have found myself with a lot of “me” time. I have cleaned what I could clean, rearranged what could be rearranged and reflected on pretty much everything I could think of.  I revisited my blog which was going to change my world a year ago and found that it is just one more thing that I started and paused on.

In my earlier posts I reflected on things I would do differently, things I wanted to do and people in my past, present and future. One of the things I wanted to do was get out of the house and do fun and exciting things that are typically out of my comfort zone. One of those activities was to take a painting class and explore my hands-on artistic side.  I actually took one class at this amazing restaurant in Downtown Everett in February and found out that even though I wasn’t that great, I wasn’t that bad either. So, I ordered an easel, some blank canvas and supplies to continue my journey. 

As I stared at the blank canvas with all the possibilities, I realized that in this moment of a forced pause we all have a blank slate to work with.  This is our time to remember our dreams and ambitions and revisit them. Have I always dreamed of becoming an artist? Oh, Heck NO!!!!  But I have dreamed of stepping outside of my comfort zone and even though I may not be good at something, it does not mean I won’t have fun trying. 

Today is the day that the blank canvas will no longer mock me and dare me to tarnish its perfect image.  As the instructor said in my paint and sip class… “there’s no such thing as a mistake, just a happy accident” and “if you don’t like it, just paint over it and start again”.  Who knew a simple painting class would give such an important life lesson?

I have amazing friends and family and a good career yet I look at my life now and wonder…. how did I get here?

When I was younger I wanted to be an accountant, a wife and a mother. I thought I would have the corner office while being able to maintain this amazing family life. I thought I could have it all. That’s what is so nice about being younger, life has no boundaries. So why then do so many of us put boundaries on ourselves as adults?

I was having a conversation with some friends the other day and the question was asked…. if you could go back in time and have a do-over what age would you like to go back to? I said 14. That was the age where I was still trying to figure myself out. Trying desperately to be popular and well-liked while maintaining a 3.75 GPA and look towards my future. I’m not saying that I made wrong or bad choices, I’m saying that my priorities would change. I was so busy trying to be popular in school that I didn’t realize I was until after I graduated and my little sisters went to my same school.

So, taking stock in what my life is now…. amazing family and friends – Check, a career that I love – Check. Being set for retirement and having a significant other in my life and enjoying my life outside of work – no check… Major Renovations Needed!

I looked at my finances to see why it is so hard for me to save money. I don’t go out every day after work anymore, I eat at home mostly and make my lunches. I have an average vehicle, an affordable place to live and an average wardrobe. I also will order from a delivery service at least 2x/week and I still hang out with friends and family on the weekends. BOOM! I actually still spend just as much money. So I adjusted my habits to what seemed like the right step (was for my liver and sleep) but not for my checking or savings account. So that’s me taking stock in my life, NOW it’s time to take charge.

How do I adjust now? I’m just spit balling here but I made an adjustment today. I created a budget and set up a separate account for my play money. When I’m out – I’m out. That way I can still budget for expenses, including a rainy day fund, have an acceptable play money fund AND put money in savings. I’m not starting out big either. Something that I can ease myself into.

So that’s my plan on finances. I still have work-life balance to tackle along with find that special someone that can put up with me. Watching the Hallmark channel to see the Hallmark romance won’t help me actually find it. Part of the “How did I get here” question is when did my life become so boring and how do I fix that while still on my spending diet? Can I have amazing friends, family, plan for retirement this late in the game AND still enjoy life outside of the home and meet my “future ex-husband”? We’ll see.

I used to go out ALOT. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 16 or 50+, trying to find someone to date is awkward. When I was in my 40’s I felt very confident and my friends joke that I’m a cougar. I guess I was, but meeting someone much younger was uncomfortable when my two boys (older) would meet my “suitor”. I have since dated more “age appropriate”. Just as awkward. Meeting someone online or in a bar or randomly elsewhere always feels like a job interview. Also, when I do happen to go out now I think I look like a super model (might be the alcohol) and I look over and do something corny like “How you doin?”. It’s fun but I’m looking at the big picture and not one night stands.

I recently reached out to a friend and said that I’m just not that into meeting people to date. At our age, most of us have had “the moment(s)” and when I’m out and about and meet someone, I want the Hallmark romance not the “let’s start in the sack and see where it goes from there”. I’m also very awkward at the getting to know someone stage. My theory is that feelings need to be kept inside until they must come out and when they do it should be in a dignified manner. If you’re 40-50+ and you’ve been single for a while – or still – it seems to be an assumption that being intimate is the starting point. Am I wrong to want to get to know someone and then be committed and intimate even at 50+? I’m still holding out hope. I’m no spring chicken but I’m also not ready to put myself out to pasture yet. I thought dating was difficult in my teens and 30’s – 40’s was a good year – but in my 50’s???? Oh Mylanta!